No U-Turns Allowed

Before I begin this, I want to apologize for not posting any 30 Day Challenge posts for the past nine days. I've had quite a few bad days lately (which I am about to talk about), so I just didn't feel like writing. For the next few days I'll try to catch up by posting multiple challenge posts.

Anyway, like I just mentioned, I've had quite a few bad days in the past week. But before I explain these days, let me explain something related to this. My bipolar disorder comes and goes in cycles. For me, I can do well for months - even years at a time, but eventually that grace period ends and I am stuck in mania. Following the mania I always crash into a depressive episode, and that's what is happening right now. I'm in the process of crashing. My plane was flying at high altitudes with no problems and the crew as well as the passengers were having a grand ol' tme, but there's a bomber on the plane and now the plane is on fire and going down fast. I, the pilot, don't have any control over this. I send signals to my supports such as my counselor and my parents, but they can't stop the plane crash. They can only predict when the worst is to come, and they can only predict the damage that will be done. The pilot might end up in the hospital again to deal with injuries.

But enough of that metaphor. Yes, I am currently in a very depressive state, but the weird thing is I'm not particularly stressed. My transition back to public school has been alright and I'm not stressed about homework or anything, and life at home is alright. This makes me feel even worse because I can't pinpoint what exactly is causing me to be depressed. I think the only thing stopping me from constantly beating myself up for that is a conversation I had with my former counselor, Al, in which we talked about how depression and mania doesn't always have a trigger. Sometimes the only trigger is the chemicals being unbalanced in your brain, and that can screw you up worse than any stress.

So, today. I went to the office during Art class because i just couldn't focus on my work, nor concentrate enough to use the coping skills available to me. I learned today I shouldn't go to the office, because they just made me feel worse. The guidance counselor went to Biology class with me, where she got to witness herself my nodding off and my mind just being everywhere else but in class, and she just stressed to me about keeping myself together in class. Like, no offense, but if I could do that I wouldn't have come down to seek your help in the first place. Towards the end of Biology, I couldn't breathe. I felt overwhelmed, and I just started crying. So, the guidance counselor took me back to the office, where I just lost all control. I was crying really hard, and while I tried to remember to take deep breaths, it just made everything worse. I felt really bad for my Biology teacher, having to deal with me barely keeping up with the class.

Then they brought in the Special Education Coordinator, who just told me about how I "didn't have these problems at alternative school," which made me even more upset. They didn't even give me enough time to get myself together. I was sitting there in the counselor's office, having a panic attack when I was told the guidance counselor would take me to Band class herself. I had to swallow my tears and drink some water before heading to Band, where the whole time I just felt like breaking down into a million broken pieces. I wish they understood I am not acting like this because of school, and I can't pinpoint a reason. I just have something wrong with my brain. The chemicals in my brain have been unbalanced for so long there's permanent damage, and I have no control over that. I'm broken beyond fixing, only managing. You can glue my pieces back together, but you can still see the cracks in the glass, and the most gentle touch can break me all over again. I don't understand why I had to live with this. Sometimes I think it's better just to end it all, just so that I don't have to deal with this for the rest of my life.

Oh yeah one more thing, I recently hit 6 months self-harm free, but two days ago that changed. I cut myself again. I think I'll be able to keep myself safe for now, but I don't know if I like this path I'm going down, and unfortunately it's a one-way street. No U-Turns allowed.

#mentalhealth #health #school