Where I've Been

Hey guys, so if you hadn't noticed either here or on my other social medias, I have not been very active the past three weeks. I am going to explain why here.

Not everybody knows this, but I have severe bipolar disorder. I'm not going to really get too into detail about the disorder, but to sum it up I have really bad manic episodes where I am over-energized and can go weeks without sleep, but I also have severe depressive episodes which are the exact opposite, as well as a mixture of the two.

Bipolar (with psychotic symptoms) is one of two diagnoses I have been given as far as mental health goes. I also have been diagnosed with PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). I won't get into that because it freaks me out thinking about the events that helped develop this, but I just thought I would put it out there.

Anyway, back to the bipolar. Some people with severe bipolar end up hearing voices and having hallucinations, and unfortunately I am one of those people. I call the voices The Demons, because they never say positive things. Sometimes they tell me to kill myself of kill other people, sometimes they just scream. Whenever I hear voices I get this pain in the back of my head that I can't explain. I don't know... It's hard to share this with people because most persons would just simply label me as insane or crazy, and while I usually don't care what people think, I believe I'm crazy so it's like those people reinforce that core belief.

These voices have been bothering me for the past few months as I slipped into a very bad depressive episode. Normally, I eventually pull myself out of these episodes, but this one was lasting far too long, and it was getting to the point where I had a plan to kill myself.

I kind of knew a hospitalization was going to happen soon by the night before I went into the hospital. I was texting my friend who the internet knows as InsaneNiac and telling him how horrible I was feeling. Then he decided to tell our friend Taylor, and she called me crying telling me that I can't kill myself and that I needed to live so I could go to college and see her in a few years. I was crying by the end of the call, because I really didn't want to leave her or InsaneNiac, or any of my family, but I felt so horrible inside and the voices wouldn't stop screaming. About ten minutes later InsaneNiac himself calls me up and just keeps telling me I shouldn't do it and he was sorry. He told me he thought it was all his fault because we got in an argument earlier that day, which made me feel bad because it would never be his fault for me feeling the way I did, in fact he's the one who always knows how to make me feel better.

The next morning I found out he called a bunch of people, including my mom to let her know what was going on. My grandma told me that according to Mom he was crying, although I think she only said that to prove a point, because I'm not someone he would cry over. I got to school, and the social worker pulled me out of class and asked me how I was doing, and I told her the truth. The school called the crisis center and a bunch of stuff happened, then boom I was in the hospital where I would stay for 8 days, which is shorter than my other stays.

Anyway, I am doing better if anyone was wondering, and I am in a state where I can finally post regularly again, so I will be doing so. I learned a lot about the psychotic symptoms I have and I feel a little more at ease with myself. I'm on higher doses of my medication and I'm using my coping skills. I also learned that if nothing else, I've got two great friends who I love very much, and I've got a lot more reasons to live than I think, even if they are little.

#mentalhealth #health