"It'll Be Alright"

"When it feels likes sorrow is your only friend, knowing that tomorrow you'll feel this way again.."

That phrase is then followed with "Just remember I love you, and it'll be alright," which are lyrics to an old song I've known since I was a little girl. And in times like these when I've hit a new all time low, my mother plays this song in my honor.

Oh God who I don't believe in! Let me tell you about my grief! If there really is a god, why would he make me live in this hell that is my mind? The infernal region of my brain is the one thing I can't escape. That is of course, without above the doctor's recommended dosage of medication, and I'm on too many pills to begin with.

After the best night of my life, every night became worse. I went to a Green Day concert, saw my best friend, and I went home that night feeling happier than I've ever felt. However, the very next night I was hit with a barely noticeable sadness that became more prominent as the days went on. I blamed the first few days on Post-Concert Depression, but when it continued I realized my bipolar was cycling back down from mania.

I have this theory that happiness is short-lived, and always followed by a long period of sadness. Of course, it's not that simple, but in my bipolar's case that's the easiest way to put it.

My bipolar cycle starts with a normal, stable self. First, I always become manic. I become this superhero version of myself where I have all of this energy and I can accomplish anything I want to. Then the hero starts to show the dark side towards the end of my mania, and I start feeling sad, irritable, and I act on impulse.

Then I crash into depression. I feel sad but at the same time I feel empty.And all I ever think about is dying. I lose my appetite for food and instead crave a razor blade, a knife, or anything to get the blood flowing out of my body, because oddly enough watching the red calms me.I'm even more impulsive and irritable. I've joined the dark side and I don't see a way out.

That depression is where I am at now. I've become my own worst enemy; "a victim of my symptom" as Green Day puts it in their song Restless Heart Syndrome. I still have hope that things will be alright, but I'm getting to the point where I can't keep myself safe anymore. I'm scared for myself. When I am on walks and I hear a train I consider jumping in front of it, I draft suicide notes in my free time. I don't plan on actually killing myself, but when I'm in such an impulsive state, it's hard telling how long until I do plan on it.

I lost my sanity about two years ago and haven't found it since. But right now the one thing I'm not losing is hope. I have missed a lot of school and posted questionable things on certain social medias, and you wouldn't believe the amount of support flows through my direct messages. And then there's my family and my best friend Arron, who do everything in their power including communicating with EACH OTHER to keep me alive (Arron texts my mom if he suspects me of doing anything that could be unsafe). I am truly grateful for these people I have in my life, and I can't say thank you enough. A lot of the time it comes out in anger and "I hate you," but I don't mean it.

And until next time I'll be listening to a playlist of music that makes me want to fight, not die.

#mentalhealth